Experiencing the death of a loved one is the hardest thing we can go through in this life. What can make grieving even more challenging is the feeling that we’re somehow doing it wrong.

But grieving is a unique experience and there is truly no “right” way to do it. Author Anne Morrow Lindberg put it best when she said, “… suffering … no matter how multiplied, is always individual.”

While there is no one right way to grieve the loss of a loved one, there are some guidelines that will help you heal.

You Will Survive the Loss

The pain of a loved one’s death is so great that we often feel it may cause our own death. But it’s important to remember that emotions, no matter how big, cannot harm you.

In fact, not feeling emotions and bottling them up can often make the situation, and sometimes our health, much worse. Avoiding the pain of loss tends to stunt our grieving and we end up taking our pain with us into our future.

Understand the Ebb and Flow of Grief

Grieving is a process with no stillness. There is always movement; an ebb and flow to our grief. After a few weeks, you may have a day when you feel like you can finally catch your breath; where you notice how pretty a sunny day is, and when you dog can make you laugh again. And then the very next day, you feel that old, familiar darkness and despair slide under your skin.

This is natural, and it’s important for you to pay attention to these rhythms of grief. The more you become aware of the ebb and flow of your personal journey, the more you’ll believe that someday there will be more good days than bad.

Practice Self Care

It’s important during this time that you care for yourself as you would a dear friend. Make sure that you get enough rest and try and eat well, even when eating seems like the last thing you want to do. Keeping up your strength is important during this time.

Try and get fresh air and move your body. This will help alleviate the stress and tension you have been feeling. And above all, be kind to yourself mentally and emotionally. Don’t chide yourself for crying in the bathroom on your lunch break. You would never do that to a dear friend, would you? Just let yourself feel your feelings when they come and be gentle with yourself.

Get Support

The people who love you will want to help you during the weeks and months that follow the loss. Don’t be afraid to reach out and ask for help and support. If you need someone to watch the baby so you can go out for a much-needed run, ask. If your spouse was always the one to handle repairs around the house, ask a family member to come over and help.

It’s also a good idea to seek the guidance of a therapist who can help you work through your emotions and develop coping skills.

If you or a loved one is reeling from a personal loss and is interested in exploring treatment, please contact me. I’d be happy to discuss how I may be able to help.

The natural course of life is that a parent passes on, and their child grieves their passing. The antithesis of this is not only the most unnatural, but the most devastating for everyone affected.

If you’ve experienced the death of a child, then the grief you’re experiencing will be a lifelong process of getting through, rather than getting over. While a simple blog post is inadequate in helping you through the grief, hopefully these words will provide some relief.

Accept How You Feel

You may feel anger, exhaustion, anxiety, profound sadness and a myriad of other emotions; you may even be experiencing some physical symptoms. What you’re feeling is normal and natural; and if you’re not feeling some or all of those emotions, that too is normal and natural. Grief is a personal, individual process, and everyone grieves differently. Allow yourself to feel what you’re feeling.

Whatever emotions you’re experiencing, it’s important to allow them to come up rather than suppress them. You cannot get through grief by avoiding dealing with your feelings. It may seem impossible to survive this devastating loss, but if you allow yourself to grieve, in time you will gradually begin to see and feel the light and warmth that comes from healing.

When you lose a child, you may at times feel a deep yearning or an aching emptiness that brings on immense sadness or anxiety. It may soothe you to journal about what you’re feeling, or write a letter to your child.

Honor Your Child’s Memory

Honor the memory of your child by putting together a scrapbook or creating a slideshow with photos and a favorite song. Plant a tree in their memory or make a donation to a charity or foundation in their name. If it feels right, hold a memorial gathering or celebrate their birthday.

Honoring your child’s memory also includes living a full, happy and complete life. Your child would not want the memory of their life to be your anguish and suffering. Honor their memory by accepting happiness and laughter back into your life.

Take Care of Yourself

It’s important to take care of yourself to aid in the healing process. Take the time to get out in the sunlight. Try to get some extra exercise in, and remember to eat.

Be patient and gentle with yourself as you grieve. Negative self-talk can cause anxiety, depression and sometimes even physical symptoms. Talk to yourself the way you would talk to a friend or loved one. Realize that you were and still are a loving parent.

Resist the urge to isolate yourself and reach out to a support network. Contact friends, family or clergy to talk about what you’re going through. If you need someone to talk to and help you get through this difficult time, please contact me today and let’s set up an appointment to talk.

Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance: these are the very well-known five stages of grief, as postulated by Swiss psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book On Death and Dying. At the time of the book’s publication, very little instruction was given in medical school on the subject of death and dying, which was what motivated Kübler-Ross to share her findings in her work with terminally ill patients.

Since the book’s publication, the five stages of grief have become so well-known it’s now engrained in pop culture. Despite its popularity, some people may be surprised to find out that Kübler-Ross didn’t create the stages to indicate a linear progression of grief, but rather to describe the process of the patients she observed. Before her death in 2004, Kübler-Ross noted in her book On Grief and Grieving that the five stages were not meant to be a linear and predictable progression of grief, and that she regretted that the stages had been misinterpreted.

Coinciding with Kübler-Ross’ own remarks on the five stages, there appears to be no evidence that people go through any or all of these stages, or in any particular order. As unique as is each individual and their relationships, so too is their experience with the grieving process.

Since mourning the loss of a loved one can be such a devastating experience, many who grieve yearn for a checklist, a time to look forward to when the sadness and grief will end. Unfortunately, there seems to be no definitive “end” to the grieving process; much like our own personal growth, we’re never really “done” or complete with grieving.

As we deal with life as it continues, hand in hand with the experience of mourning a loved one, we find a “new normal” – a new way to be in the world without that person in our lives.

Although grief has no particular stages, timeline or ending, it doesn’t mean that we will grieve in the same way forever. The people that we love and lose are forever engrained in our hearts and minds. Over time, the indescribable sorrow of grief morphs into a sort of bittersweet gratitude: still sad that we lost our loved one, but happy and grateful for the gift of sharing our life and time with them.

If you are struggling with grief and need support and guidance, a licensed therapist can help. Please call my office today, and let’s set up a time to talk.

One of the most devastating experiences we must endure in life is grieving the loss of a loved one. Although we have the knowledge that everyone will eventually die, and we logically understand the finality of death, no amount of information can prepare us for the devastation of the actual experience. Losing someone we love for the first time can be overwhelming. Trying to comprehend the finality of this separation is a shock to our system. We can feel angry, anxious, or depressed.

Experiencing grief differs for each person. How we endure, experience, and eventually thrive is unique to each individual. Although Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’ five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance) are very well known, they are still imperfect: not everyone will experience those exact emotions. There is no road map and no timeline when it comes to grief. When you start to feel better is largely up to you.

One of the most important things to recognize when it comes to grief is that the length of time you spend in mourning, or the depths of the sadness you feel, are not a measure of how much you treasured the loved one you lost. At the same time, it’s unhealthy to try and “skip over” the period of mourning by burying yourself in work or play. The only way to the destination at the end is to walk the road and to do that you must let the feelings come up: cry when you need to cry, and laugh when you need to laugh. If the sorrow you’re experiencing is overwhelming, here are some activities to try and alleviate it.

Schedule time to cry. If you find yourself spending too much time crying and upset, schedule a time to feel sad. Give yourself one hour when you can cry as much as you like. But when the hour is up, wash your face and do something nice for yourself.

Do something in honor of your loved one. This can be making a donation in their name, volunteering, planting a tree, or baking their favorite cake.

Write. Write your loved one a letter or journal your feelings.

Meditate. Find a quiet place to meditate or pray. Visit your place of worship or read religious books you find comforting.

Exercise. Go for a walk, go to the gym, or take a yoga class. Try something new, or do something familiar – whichever feels better to you.

Although someone you loved has died, who they were has left a permanent mark on you: you are forever changed because of them. Honor their memory by honoring their life, and honor their life by making the best out of yours.

If you are struggling with grief and need help moving forward, contact my office today and let’s set up a time to talk.